


Bite Me

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [18]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Awkward Sexual Situations, Clowns, Comedy, Gen, Giraffes, Gorillas, Lions, Lip Piercings, Nosy Neighbours, Rocky - Freeform, Simon & Garfunkel - Freeform, Snakes, Zoo, Zoodles, animal crackers, bites, broom closets, crocodiles - Freeform, just kind of stupid, schoolchildren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 18:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19447267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wick and the Administrator go to the zoo.





	Bite Me

**Author's Note:**

> The eighteenth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.
> 
> I've never been to the New York City Zoo so I apologize for any inaccuracies.
> 
> I also stole the Reptile Room from Lemony Snicket. Thank you, Mr. Snicket.

To his horror, the Administrator discovered that John Wick desired to visit the New York City Zoo.  
It wasn't so much in what he said, although the bureaucrat had a vague memory of him saying one day "I want to go to the Zoo," it was more in the annoying little hints he gave.

Wick insisted on eating some horrible pasta in a tin known as Zoodles.

Sometimes the hitman could be found sitting on the couch munching on animal crackers.

He had also taken to whistling a song called "If I Could Talk to the Animals" endlessly.

Often with the zoodles and animal crackers still in his mouth.

"All right!" the Administrator had screamed one day as a piece of pasta lion and biscuit zebra flew onto his chin and cheek.

"I'll take you to the damn zoo, John Wick!"

The man was too busy smiling to whistle following the bureaucrat's announcement. It is a difficult thing to smile and whistle at the same time; too difficult even for the world's greatest assassin.

* * *

Walking into the Zoo, and reading the map of the attractions, John Wick frowned.

"Why did Simon and Garfunkel tell me that there would be hamsters here? I don't see any hamsters listed."

"They're here," the bureaucrat stated. "They just feed them to the snakes so you don't get to see them."

John looked around. "Did you ever notice how in the first 'Rocky' film that guy insults Adrian and tells Rocky he should take her to the zoo because she's slow...then in the next film he proposes to her at the zoo. Why does he do that?" the assassin asked genuinely perplexed.

"Brain damage," the pencil pusher sighed. "It was after that fight with Creed. Now we're at the fucking zoo; are we going to look at some animals or discuss boxing movies?"

The assassin looked at a group of wild untamed beasts in front of him.

"What are _those_?" he asked in fright, fearful for his life.

"That's a group of children John," the Administrator replied, not letting on that he too shared his roommate's terror.

"I was wondering why they were out of their cages," Wick muttered.

The two men quickly hurried away, passing a clown selling balloon animals as they went.

* * *

Animal after animal, the assassin and the bureaucrat visited, and John Wick's comment was always the same.

At the crocodile moat Wick stated:

"They look sad."

At the giraffe enclosure he remarked:

"They look sad."

At the gorilla cage he uttered:

"They look sad."

Even though he had given them a banana.

The Administrator's patience was wearing thin. "Why did you want to come here if all it's succeeding in doing is depressing you? And also please read the sign."

The shorter man pointed to a message written in large type on the side of a cage:

**PLEASE DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS**

"I suddenly realize that I like animals just not seeing them in cages," the assassin shared his epiphany.

They made there way to the lion's pen unaware that the clown, who had been stalking them during their whole journey, was getting out his 6 inch knife.

Brandishing it, the clown went running for John Wick. The bearded man quickly grabbed the clown when he got too close, however, and threw him in with the lions.

The two men listened as the clown started to scream.

"Who knew he was an assassin?" the High Table servant marvelled.

"I didn't," John Wick said. "I just don't like clowns."

"John, I told you not to feed the fucking animals," the Administrator stated as he watched the events unfolding inside the pen.

"But look," John grinned as he viewed the feline begin to devour the human. "It's finally an animal that looks happy!"

* * *

Before they started home, Wick insisted he visit the Reptile Room one final time. The Administrator chose not to go in with him, fearing Toby, his pet Iguana, would be jealous.

When the assassin came out he looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Are you all right?" the pencil pusher asked in concern.

"Fine," John answered but the Administrator could tell he was lying.

In the lobby of their apartment, as he saw the pained expression on his roommate's face, the bureaucrat finally demanded John Wick tell him what was wrong.

"At the Reptile Room, I thought a snake looked so sad that I smuggled it out in my pants."

The Administrator studied John Wick's pants. "That explains that large lump down your leg," he commented.

"Actually that's not a snake. It crawled out two blocks ago," the assassin confessed.

The bureaucrat turned beet red and swallowed harshly.

John grimaced in agony. "It bit my knee on its way out though."

The Administrator rushed the assassin into a nearby broom closet. "What did the snake look like?" the pencil pusher asked frantically as he got to his knees and pulled down Wick's pants to examine the bite.

"It was pretty and blue," the hitman described.

The Administrator sighed. "Hopefully it was a blue racer. They're not venomous. What possessed you to keep the snake in your _pants_?"

"I'm used to all the weight down there," Wick simply answered.

Suddenly the door opened and Mrs. Milner, the perverted neighbour who lived beneath them, smiled as she took in the sight of John Wick, his pants pooled around his shoes, and the Administrator down on his knees before him.

"Stupid snake bit me," Wick tried to explain.

The Administrator smiled at the woman with more of a grimace past his snake bite pierced lips.

"Awww," Mrs. Milner cooed in sympathy. "You really shouldn't piss him off when he's down there, darling; it's a very bad idea."

She was about to leave them in peace when she turned back one final time. "You two nice men shouldn't be in the closet. Everybody in the building knows about the two of you. I told them myself," she said proudly as she closed the door.

"John," the Administrator said. "Could you turn off the lights please?"

The assassin did as he was instructed.

"Ouch!" John Wick said as he was bitten for the second time that day.


End file.
